“I can stop considering porn anytime I want to; I stop virtually every day. But I can’t resist the urge to start again. Am I addicted to porn?” Does this sound like you? Some psychologists think porn could be addicting but many disagree. It’s not addictive such as for instance a drug may be – I’ve looked at porn before, and I’ve spent years without porn without any withdrawals. Calling porn addictive is a straightforward explanation that really explains nothing.
Still, I have discovered porn hard to resist at times. It seemed strongest when I was feeling anxious, lonely, or depressed. Why shouldn’t I indulge in a few fantasy connection with a lovely, willing woman without demands or responsibilities? What’s the harm? However when it had been over and I was wiping up the results, I’d made no progress with whatever was bothering me. I don’t want to take into account just how much of my life has been wasted in mindless unproductive activity watching porn. So just why did I carry on back to it?
As a teenager, porn was a fantastic way to find out a forbidden topic. Later, when my first marriage was failing and my business heading down the tubes, I indulged in porn as a temporary escape. Through the lonely years following the divorce, I used porn as a cream for loneliness and depression. All of that made some sort of sense, but after Victoria moved in with me, I was still drawn to check out porn although it upset her. How could I sound right of the? Now I’d a solid reason to stop, but I was totally hooked on porn.
In wanting to understand just why I was hooked, I ran across all of the lame reasons: “that’s just the way men are,” “men are more visually oriented than women,” and “it’s a way to satisfy the male instinct to spread his seed.” And there were plenty of excuses too: “I’m not hurting anyone,” “it has nothing to do with you, Sweetie,” and “at the very least I’m not out chasing other women.”
Nothing seemed to make sense if you ask me until I came across this simple explanation: porn is a method to generally meet some deep need within me. The fundamental theory is that actions are motivated by attempts to meet basic human needs. An easy example: a fundamental need is shelter; as a caveman, I would locate a cave; as a professional, I would rent an apartment. But we’re not simple creatures; often meeting one need means not meeting another. The caveman might have to sleep in the open to follow his food source. The young professional may need to decide involving the nice apartment and sharing a house as a result of limited funds. Essentially they both have to find new strategies to meet up their importance of shelter.
Watching porn is just a method of meeting some basic needs. After much self-examination, I still find it intimacy without fear that I’m wanting to find. Of course, it is only a facsimile of intimacy in comparison with true intimacy with a real woman, but I’m only now beginning to master what it could be like to truly have a relationship without fear. Throughout nearly all of my entire life I kept a particular reserve, avoiding the danger of letting someone know the real me. Sexual intimacy was a very important factor, and easy – even affection was easy. But checking? Showing a lady my deepest self? Not just a chance. Imagine if she didn’t like me? Imagine if she rejected me? What if I wasn’t adequate? Learning a lady was always exciting at the start – maybe she was the one who’d accept me as I was. What I didn’t realize was that there wasn’t a chance anyone could really accept me if I didn’t ever open up. Eventually, the excitement died and we drifted apart for reasons uknown was handy.
This cycle was destructive, and deeply unsatisfying. I’ve always wanted someone I really could feel safe with, with whom I really could release and be me without fear of being rejected, but real women weren’t filling that require – through no fault of theirs. The closest thing I found diaper porn. With porn there clearly was no worry that she’d leave me or that I wasn’t good enough. The images were always ready when I needed them and prepared to play whatever role I wanted.